Polterheist, uninvited (ghostish) writing

Flat Sleeper

2009-12-18T08:57:00.000-08:00

8:49 AM me: that's just crazy talk

8:51 AM tea around 10?

Cassie: i think i might need tea before that

i am stuffed up this morning

8:52 AM me: hm

that's no good

more tea at 10?

Cassie: i think i was just really hot under the cover and slept flat

me: hm

that is the weirdest thing you have ever said to me

8:55 AM Cassie: ha

it makes sense

8:56 AM me: "oh that Cassie, she's really hot under the cover!"

"yeah, I heard she sleeps flat"

Cassie: haha

Pasta Tub

2009-06-11T20:49:00.000-07:00

7:43 PM me: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pit/1145392897.html

7:46 PM Cassie: wow

7:49 PM why a one piece suit?

me:more sanitary?

less creepy?

more creepy?

7:50 PM Cassie: and why would he supply footware?

me: not filthy

Cassie: are you suppose to wear footwear in the tub?

me: keep your feet clean on the way to the tub?

why would he want so many noodles?

why not have her sit in the kitchen sink with fewer

Cassie: maybe he makes individual meal portions and then freezes them

me: ha

rofl

7:51 PM Cassie: and sitting in the sink is harder

me: ha

Cassie: that would be a deal breaker for any guy i dated!

or was friends with

me: if he made you sit in the sink?

7:54 PM Cassie: any of it!

7:55 PM me: you don't like one piece bathing suits?

7:56 PM Cassie: hmm, i guess if i was lap swimming

7:57 PM me: in noodles?

7:59 PM Cassie: sigh

Who dropped the stink bag?!

2009-05-04T21:27:00.000-07:00

From the facebooks:

Jennifer cannot figure out how such tiny kittens generate such giant stink.

Miriam -- Cats are born with their full sized stink-bag. As kittens, they are almost entirely composed of this stink-bag. As they grow, they produce less stink, as the stink-bag becomes buried deeper inside of them, pushed farther from the anus by fat and fur. When cats get worms, or sick, or other stinky issues, it's due to an imbalance of the chakras that causes the stink-bag to drop back closer to the anus. That is where we get the classic phrase "who dropped the stink bag?!" from.

Jennifer -- Miriam you should write a book. This was very informative.

Widdlin' Clogs

2009-01-05T23:20:00.000-08:00

5:44 PM Robin: how long does brown rice take to cook?

5:45 PM me: 35-40 minutes

Robin: k

me: 2 parts water to 1 part rice... possibly a little extra water

Robin: k

how much rice? 1 cup?

5:46 PM me: 1 cup is good... will probably be a little left over with that amount

Robin: okay

me: there should be enough in the adams pb jar

Robin: yup

me: but, there's more in the grain-storage if not

Robin: if the mice haven't eaten it yet.

5:47 PM me: weevils

Robin: mice eat weevils

cats eat mice

dutchmen eat cats

bears eat dutchmen

me: perhaps we should get some dutchmen to deal with our infestation

Robin: bears

5:48 PM me: we don't have any dutchmen for them to eat yet though

Robin: give it time

me: do you even know any dutchmen?

5:49 PM Robin: no, but the surplus of cats is bound to attrack them

once the mice population blooms, that is.

me: we have a surplus of cats on the porch... have you looked under the porch for dutchmen?

5:50 PM Robin: no, but its cool out right now

me: maybe if we put out some clogs

5:53 PM Robin: I'll get to widdlin'

Maths with Cadi

2008-11-08T18:43:00.001-08:00

Cadi: Evans school making me do maths

5:02 PM me: ew

Cadi: no shit!

bitches!

5:37 PM me: Oh, back to the maths though...

Cadi: oh

right

me: it was simple algebra

Cadi: that's good

anything harder make my brain asplode

6:17 PM me: Brain pain, in the main

again again

Cadi: to true, sister

me: like a stain

6:18 PM that's insane

6:19 PM gotta get some rain

Cadi: that goes down the drain

me: but not of math, that's ur bane

Cadi: in the lane

me: lost the gain

6:20 PM Cadi: that's profane

me: yeah, I'm vain

6:21 PM Cadi: just say'n

6:22 PM me: no feign

6:23 PM that's my weigh-in

Cross-blog-blogging

2008-07-29T16:47:00.000-07:00

have you gotten to read my dream yet?

4:24 PM roman.rimer: no

but i will

uh can you pls be a dear and sned the link agqin so i dont have to log out

4:25 PM me: k

http://mimsybuttons.blogspot.com/2008/07/invasion-adventure.html

roman.rimer: thank you, gracias

4:29 PM me: you're welcome, de nada

4:30 PM roman.rimer: hmmmm

i think it sreally common to have dreams where everyone else is doing one thing and you're not (ie have foprk and plate)

4:31 PM do you think its maybe about living a post-grad life?

and the uncertainty of it?

me: probably

roman.rimer: also living in a new place

me: there was a sense of adventure

roman.rimer: even though you know portland

yeah

4:32 PM me: - it was actually very familiar - the place that is

giant old growth forest with Reed college in it basically

between the trees

roman.rimer: hmm

4:34 PM was it scary? like, when you woke up were you like, whoa??

4:35 PM me: not really scary

there were moments of worry

like making sure we had water

and didn't get caught by the barbarians

4:36 PM who were kind of like vikings on horses

roman.rimer: yeah

me: but generally, it was a post-apocalyptic adventure

roman.rimer: or canadians

me: no, despite being from north of Seattle, they were not canadian

I believe Norway or Finland was there instead

4:41 PM roman.rimer: ah i see

4:42 PM me: though, they might have co-mingled with Genghis Khan's riders

4:43 PM like Vikings and Mongols raping each other for a few generations and creating this army

I'm assuming some women were involved in that

4:44 PM I'm having a housewarming potluck tomorrow, want to come?

I promise to not release my Vikgol army

"Sepuku Me" says Jen

2008-04-26T12:17:00.000-07:00

11:18 AM me: is that something dirty?

11:19 AM Jennifer: i am having a terrible morning

i just found out the story i've been slaving over, for the PUBLIC READING i'm giving sunday

rips off a really famous flannery o'connor story

11:20 AM me: oh nose!

Jennifer: it's awful

i don't know what to do

i mean

me: do you have another story that you could read?

Jennifer: no

me: an older one?

Jennifer: so far everyone who has read it has said it reads like a really good re-invention of the o'connor

so i'll probably just go with it

11:21 AM me: if you just acknowledge the "ripping off" when you start, you should be fine, right?

Jennifer: but it's disappointing. i thought i was doing something really interesting and lo and behold i've borrowed from the one writer everyone in the room will have read

me: yeah

that sucks

Jennifer: i don't have time to do anything new

11:22 AM and i don't have anything old that's short enough

me: but in this pre-modern world in which we live, there is nothing truely new or innovative left to do

Jennifer: no i know

i know

it's just...a really explicit nod to the end

11:23 AM me: you mean the beginning?

we're pre-modern

Jennifer: i mean the end of the story. they both end the same

me: oh

well, you could always mix things up by ending with laser cats

11:24 AM Jennifer: i actually think i'm going to start drinking now. maybe the laser cats will follow

me: well, at least it's past noon your time

11:25 AM I had a dream that I got the eugene job

and then I woke up :P

Jennifer: maybe prognosticating?

me: hopefully

11:26 AM a year ago I had a dream that all my student loans were paid off... and that didn't come true

or maybe just a few months ago

Jennifer: well, there's still time

me: yeah, maybe I was seeing 60 years into the future

Jennifer: :P

11:28 AM me: do you ever use dusting/cleaning wipes?

11:29 AM Jennifer: no

why?

me: I'm thinking that I'm going to have to break down and get some to remove all the dust and filth from my apt.

11:30 AM but I'm trying to figure out what are the least nasty and environment-damaging

11:32 AM Jennifer: you could just tear up an old tee shirt and use a mild spray

11:33 AM me: yeah... I even have old t-shirt rags!

you're so smart

I'm in a morning fog still

Jennifer: i'm not that smart

me: can you use your brain powers to make epl hire me?

11:34 AM Jennifer: i'm not smart enough not to steal from the most famous American short fiction writer ever

11:36 AM me: you mean, you're so smart that your brain is infused with so many stories that you have to use super brain power to separate your stories from others' stories and every once in a while you only come out as a copy-genious instead of an innovative super-genious

11:37 AM I haven't read any of this Jamison Irish Writer's booze

11:38 AM I mean Flannery O'Laphroiag

11:39 AM maybe if you drank tequila you could channel some mexican writer's stuff and mix it in and then no one will know waht to think

Jennifer: i just need a new ending

and then it'll be ok

11:40 AM i need him to not steal a prothetic leg

me: They'll be all like - what did she mean by "I walked down the street and thought to myself 'no megusta;"

11:41 AM uh

Jennifer: lol

11:42 AM me: you know, this is going to go in the clog

is your guy missing a leg?

Jennifer: well if you're going to be my ghostwriter

give me an ending

11:43 AM me: tell me what happens?

Jennifer: no. basically my protagonist falls in love with a one-legged girl, then realizes he's actually just in love with her prosthetic

he ends up stealing her leg

it's a short short, only 4 pages

me: maybe he could dry-ice his leg to death, get a hospital to amputate and get his own leg

Jennifer: in o'connor's story, it's from the POV of the girl, and it's much more about her naivete and nihilism and the shock of discovering that she's being used for her leg

oh man

11:44 AM i'm not sure i could manage his amputation in 4 pages or fewer

me: I'm just stealing that from some special news report anyway

Jennifer: theft from the news is allowed and encouraged

11:45 AM theft from GAW's gets you in trouble

of course

john updike does it

so maybe i can get away with it

i hate john updike though

11:46 AM me: yeah, there is no reason to put yourself down on his level

but is the whole amputation love story taboo then?

Jennifer: i just don't know

i just wish i'd remember o'connor's story like a fucking week ago

i don't really have anything else i can read

11:49 AM me: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apotemnophilia

Jen Demands a Post

2008-03-20T21:33:00.000-07:00

5:18 PM Jennifer: hey so why isn't our nascar romance on your blog yet?

i mean

was it not good enough?

is that it?

5:20 PM me: "The Future Mrs. David Foster-Wallace attended Reed College, worked in porn shops and was otherwise debaucherous until some nice texans turned her life around with good english"

uh... we didn't really write any

it was just discussing the genre

Jennifer: "which she used to write stories about deviants and serial killers."

me: ha

5:21 PM plus, no one reads that blog

except you

speaking of which, you won that contest

5:22 PM Jennifer: which contest?

5:23 PM me: on my dlog

Jennifer: oh right

whadiwin?

5:24 PM me: fame?

you could put it on your cv
------------------------------------------------------------

So... as Jen demands:

me: I just found a new genre for you to write in

Jennifer: oh yeah?

me: http://store.nascar.com/family/index.jsp?categoryId=2649589&cp=1251988.2140719&clickid=leftnav_txt

Jennifer: LMFAO

Full Throttle

8:24 PM har har har

me: "Total Control"

"Speed Dating"

Jennifer: Hearts Under Caution

but i'd have to do so much research

on nascar

me: I assume that "Speed Bumps" is part of their Teen-Romance collection

true

but it would be sexy research

Jennifer: um

well

8:25 PM assuming i'm turned on by hicks in loud cars

yes

me: duh

because they're hot

http://www.pointlessmuseum.com/museum/drwhotechmanualindex.php

check out the Dr's car

Jennifer: this is fascinating. see, all romance novels are either about a dream of perfect domesticity (there seems to be a whole strain of "widow finds new love" titles

or about getting away from domesticity

(bodice rippers)

so where does this fall?

8:26 PM OK well Dr. Who's car is not a NASCAR vehicle.

me: Kellie never thought she'd see Lucas again--even though she had his son. But Lucas is unaware he's a dad, and Kellie is this close to revealing the truth. Unless someone with a vendetta does it first...

8:27 PM "old flame, new sparks"

8:28 PM whatever, you'd do a guy in this: http://www.teslamotors.com/

8:29 PM Jennifer: i don't even know where i'd begin writing NASCAR porn

8:30 PM me: in a car?

at your desk?

8:31 PM Jennifer: can there still be a bodice involved?

i really lean away from domestic romance myself

8:32 PM i like the ones that have barechested pirates on the covers

what if it were a pirate in a NASCAR car?

8:33 PM me: how about period NASCAR romance?

like racing engine-less carts?

8:35 PM Jennifer: "velociwagons?"

8:37 PM me: nice

VELOCAR

NASVEL

8:38 PM Jennifer: they're shot out of a cannon

me: too.... carny

8:39 PM Jennifer: ok...um...steam powered?

me: nice

steam-punk nascar romance

on another note, which is your preferred font, Verdana or Arial

Jennifer: this actually sounds like a more viable idea...

8:40 PM do you need to know which font to use when you tattoo my name to your heart?

verdana

but only by a slim margin

frankly i'm a TNR girl

8:41 PM me: whoa

down with times new roman!

(I was indoctrinated in my freshman year)

8:42 PM Jennifer: what's not to love about TNR?

clean, professional

just the right saucy twist of sarif

me: it's for schoolwork

Jennifer: without being presumptuous

it's for fiction

8:43 PM oh, are you talking about your it, not my it?

me: oh wait

I have been mislead

Jennifer: ?

me: I thought I was looking at Verdana

but, the majority was TNR!

it is nice

8:44 PM Jennifer: see what i'm talking about

hot

hot TNR

me: yeah, it's aight

Jennifer: i have to go. you're distracting me from all the writing i am supposed to be doing

me: guh

Jennifer: if i'm ever going to get this nascar pirate romance finished

me: we're talking about writing!

Jennifer: i have to log out of email

8:45 PM me: :P

Jennifer: i'll talk to you soon. send me pictures of your sweet new tattoo

From October, Laser Cats with Jen

2008-02-16T13:15:00.000-08:00

5:48 PM me: hey

5:49 PM Jennifer: hola

6:00 PM me: want something different to panic about?

http://www.japanitup.com/ice-cream-ramen-47/

6:07 PM you should have your play descend into a giant orgy... like a theater-porno

Jennifer: oh my god

i just vomited in my mouth a little

6:08 PM me: which one are you responding to?

I can see how all of those could trigger that

Jennifer: the ice cream ramen

me: did you look at the enlarged photos?

Jennifer: that is nasty

6:10 PM yes

those are gross

me: what do you think about my play suggestion?

6:11 PM Jennifer: it's a great idea!

esp. since it's a children's play

6:12 PM me: Oh! And laser cats!

don't forget the laser cats

Jennifer: pew pew pew

(thats the sound laser cats make)

me: they can kill all the children off before the porno begins

that way it won't be crossing the line

6:13 PM Jennifer: lol

me: or, it could just be cat prawns

6:28 PM Jennifer: word

Dissed by Robin

2008-02-16T13:09:00.000-08:00

me: So, what's this play about? Cats?

Robin is offline. Messages you send will be delivered when Robin comes online.

Nature Guides with Michelle

2008-02-12T21:48:00.000-08:00

10:03 AM me:OMG... there were huddled pigeons on the tv news this morning, and the dumbass news woman couldn't tell what kind of birds they were... she was all like "are those pigeons? I'm not a bird woman"

Michelle: Wow!

Maybe she doesn't go outside

me: I mean, pigeons and crows... everyone knows pigeons and crows!

come on!

10:04 AM Michelle: And robins and bluejays

At least, the manly sort.

And peacocks

10:05 AM And, like, ostriches

me: and ducks

Michelle: And seagulls

me: and probably geese too

Michelle: And penguins!

me: and eagles

Michelle: And various owls

and buzzards

me: we should make a chart of "birds even dumb bitches ought to recognize"

10:06 AM vulchers

Michelle: One time in Kentuckyland when I was in high school, some kid moved up to my town from florida and he didn't know corn from tobacco.

me: hawks

10:07 AM Michelle: We could make a "crops even dumb bitches ought to know"

me: one time I went to summer camp with a girl who claimed to not know what mosquitos were like!

she was super scared of getting bit

10:08 AM This sounds like a good book... "nature that even dumb bitches ought to know"

Michelle: Well she could get malaria

me: true

dengue fever is nothing to laugh about

(that's what they called malaria in little house on the prairie times)

Michelle: LOL back when you were at camp

10:11 AM me: the tv is talking about dieting and eating issues and it makes me hungry

Michelle: I had a mushroom omelete

10:12 AM Because dieting is stupid

10:13 AM me: yes

I just had a second course of breakfast

A play for Jen

2008-02-12T21:11:00.000-08:00

Jennifer: i'm writing a play

7:31 PM and aside from the children's theater i didn't give two shits about in 1st semester

it's the first one in 5 years

it's about people getting eaten by bears

7:32 PM me: yay!

is it done like the vagina monologues? but with more blood

7:33 PM Jennifer: um

no vaginas, for one

although

...

7:34 PM oh, no, what you're saying is even better

like people addressing the audience about their bear attack

lol

me: yeah

Jennifer: perfect

me: in their "state-of-death"

Jennifer: you've just written the play for me

me: that's what librarians are for

that will be $20,000

7:35 PM Jennifer: the check's in the mail

me: are you really going to do that?

7:36 PM (I'm wiggling my eyebrows at you)

Jennifer: what, the bear monologues? or the czech in the mail?

7:37 PM me: bear monologues

Jennifer: no, it's a love story

me: with a forest husband?

Jennifer: about a boy who won't come down from a tree because he watched his parents get eaten by bears from the tree

and a girl who tries to get him out of the tree

me: and the bear who seduces her?

Jennifer: but is afraid to climb it because her parents died in a freak sky diving accident

and also the bear that seduces her

me: skydiving bear?

7:38 PM

Jennifer: lol

7:39 PM

me: So, is your play all:

Tree Enters

Boy Climbs

7:51 PM Girl Enters

Jennifer: boy is in tree from the get-go, but otherwise so far so good

me: Girl: Hey Mr.! You so hot I blow you hard!

Boy: Oh baby, come on up

Jennifer: exactly so

me: Girl: no way I scared

Boy: Shit Girl

Girl: You come down

Boy: No Want

7:52 PM Bear Enters

Girl Blows Bear

Boy Falls out of Tree

Tree Exits

Bear Eats Boy and Girl

7:53 PM Bear: Now fair ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you my tales of mauling

Bear: It all started when I was 12 and a half

me: my mother told me that a little man would be coming to clean me out

Jennifer: ...

have you ever thought about the fine art of stagecraft?

Jennifer: because i think

you have just discovered your way out of student loan hell

7:54 PM me: Bear: but I never knew he would remove... MY BLOOD!

It was at 13 that the little man visited

for the LAST TIME

duhn duhn dun

7:55 PM Jennifer: *cut and paste this chat into play*

me: Bear: I got a sex change, and started on my way to becoming a forest husband

but the testosterone supplements started me down an additional path

TO MURDER!

7:56 PM Jennifer: it's like something straight out of alaska bear tales

me: I need to figure out how to make all my fake plays and book cover blurbs into a book

7:57 PM what now?

Jennifer: alaska bear tales.

me: maybe I'll just make a blog

Jennifer: it's a series of books

about grizzly bear maulings

grizzly as an adjective, not as a family of bear

there are like 15 volumes

me: with sex-changing bears?

7:58 PM Jennifer: well

but in all other regards

it's just like it

Genre Fiction for Delia

2008-02-12T21:02:00.000-08:00

Delia: yeah that would be rad

well im starting a writing class next week at the new school

me: cool

10:07 PM what kind of writing?

10:11 PM Delia: fiction short story

10:14 PM me: I bet you write genre fiction! like, westerns ;)

Delia: exactly

10:15 PM me: buckaroo rimer vs. the bandit

10:17 PM From the back: "Buckaroo Rimer had it made. She'd cleaned up town, found a lifetime's supply of gold, and her mail-order bride was on her way. But then the bandit rode into town, and her bride didn't. It was time for a showdown."

Delia: 'omg

brilliant

me: "This story will have you shouting YeeHaw!"-- NYTimes

10:18 PM Delia: you should be a guest blogger on my blog

10:26 PM me: Of course, all your stories will star you

10:27 PM you should also plan a pre-quel to that western... when you're mining gold and killing off bad guys to clean up the town

you could set it on the moon to appeal to a wider audience

Delia: true

10:28 PM well all ive been writing is non-fiction so it should be interesting

me: you could write non-fiction from your life and just tell people you made it up

"I was born 11 months after my parents gave up my deformed sister"

10:29 PM Delia: omg

lol

damn

wow

me: its like the opposite of that guy who conned oprah

Delia: yes!

me: (because, you know, that's what he intended to do)

10:30 PM you'll have to throw in believable bits every once in a while, or your readers won't stick around though
10:42 PM you should write "cozy" mysteries

10:43 PM then my mom can read them

10:44 PM Delia: nice

nice

10:46 PM me: "Sister Rimer had never left the nunnery, but when the Duchess of Kent crashed through the gates one fateful night followed by murderous knaves, she knew it was time. With the Duchess at her side, and unknown murderers at their heels, she'll have to learn the ways of the world -- and her heart -- to solve the mystery of the missing Duke."

I should sell these.

10:48 PM Delia: dude

for resl

real

its inspiring

10:49 PM me: I think the Duchess murdered him

Otherwise known as Glog

2008-02-12T20:57:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my glog: my ghost-writing blog, aka a blog of my bad ideas about what my friends are (or could be) writing. Often copied from chats for your (dis)pleasure.